a Message to My Penpal friend

It is not that I suffer depression, I don't. although I might sound like I got some, but I think I can know. I've had depression before -or was it just anxiety?!- and I should be able to know🤷🏽‍♂️.

fortunately, I'm not lonely either. I got my family and friends whom I sometimes share my thoughts like now with you, but I'm suffering from something different!

I engage in normal life activities, and I blog and I used to make a personal podcast to express myself whenever something is really irritating me. it has been over a year since my last episode, but I intend to make another one soon.

I do not consider myself very religious, but I'm glad that you are. I believe in one true god that loves us and helps us to become happy and I pray and acknowledge his blessings upon me. 

what I'm going through now is most probably because I'm realizing that I'm "really" getting old. my best times are behind me and what remains is much far less -or hopefully just less!- ..

I don't get to make a lot of choices in the years that remains. can't shift career again even if I wanted to. won't be able to travel the world, or even read the books I intended to read.

I have about 30 or 40 Terabytes of movies and series, from which I barely watched 20% or 30% all over the last 20 or 30 years of my life.

I know I will not be able to watch even half of it before I die!

I guess this is it. I no longer get to choose what I want. I just try to enjoy what I can get. 

when I was young, there was always hope to have more time to finish whatever I'm involved in, and then have time for my self and get to do what I always wanted. travel. read, write, watch, teach, play.. whatever...

I know this sounds depressing, but I'm not depressed!

I'm just sorry!

I will move on from this feeling, and I will recover and deal with my life. 

I might even succeed to write my first book in the next few years.

but it is just that now, my plans didn't go the way I wanted, and I must make new plans that cope with my weaker body, limited choices, and whatever time I hope I get to live..

I think I'm lucky to get to know you. I think your life might be an inspiration for me some how..

wish you all the luck and happiness to you and your family

will try to write again sooner I hope..

Sincerely,